For information about coping after the funeral, please refer to one of the three articles below:

• The experience of grief
• Depression-what it is and what to do about it
• Life after losing

The experience of grief

Some of this material was initially developed by Harold Jones, Bereavement Educator with Alfred James & Son, Adelaide and is reproduced with the kind permission of Bereavement Educational Services, Unley, SA.

Loss and grief
Many people in our society are suffering from compound loss situations. Many of these loss situations that cause grief have nothing to do with death. When people lose someone they love, through death, and begin grieving for that person, unresolved grief from previous losses often rises to the surface.

Many people are unaware of the many loss situations that can bring intense grief. Here are a few:

• Incapacitation
• Terminal Illness
• Promotion
• Separation
• Divorce
• Death
• Retrenchment
• Pet Dies
• Retirement

Many people in the community believe that when someone has sustained a loss of any kind, they should be ‘back to normal’ within 6 to 12 weeks. It is more comfortable when people act the way they used to!

It does not work that way!
When you talk with anyone who has lost someone they have loved, you will often hear them say, “The anniversaries are the worst time.”

For many people the first 12 months are the hardest. Many Behavioural Scientists believe that for someone who has lost their partner, working through the process of grief can take from 2 years to 5 years. This time span will vary from individual to individual. No two people will grieve in exactly the same way, but there are similarities.

To know some facts about grief helps people to normalise their grief reactions:

• Grief is normal, natural, painful.
• Grief takes time to resolve.
• Grief resolution may depend on the degree of attachment; quality and length of the relationship; length and nature of the illness; nature of the death.

Colin Murray Parkes, in his book ‘Bereavement’ outlines the four stages of grief:

1. Numbness
2. Pining
3. Depression
4. Recovery

The experience of grief
Grainger Westberg looks at ten aspects of grief. I have chosen to extend his list. This list is not necessarily exhaustive but simply lists some of the more common experiences felt by people who grieve.

The idea of the experience of grief must not be understood in a linear sense (i.e. 4 does not necessarily follow 3 nor does 7 necessarily precede 8). The breaking up of the ‘experience’ into separate portions is to help us to bring some understanding to some of the confused feelings that people go through. It must not be used as a scale to measure a grieving person’s progress.

Shock - Disbelief and numbness.

• Express Emotions - To cry often helps people who are sorrowing. Give people permission to cry. Give permission not to cry. Encourage the expression of emotion whatever that emotion might be.
  
  
• Depressed - We are very sad and lonely. Depression needs to be accepted not feared.
  
  
• Pining - Looking for the one who has died; visiting the cemetery; real dreams; visiting familiar places.
  
  
• Physically Sick - Immune systems at a low ebb; psychosomatic.
  
  
• Panicky - Can’t concentrate; become fearful; desire to ‘run away’.
  
  
• Guilt Feelings - The ‘if onlys’. Things we have done; things we have not done; some feelings may even come from the forgotten past.
  
  
• Hostility - Resentment; anger; criticism; blaming; scapegoating.
  
  
• Isolation - The feeling of being left out; the odd one out; not belonging; not good enough to share; always a problem to others.
  
  
• Idealisation - Seeing only the good points in the one who has died; the failure to recognise the humanity of the person who has died.
  
  
  Unable To Return To Normal Activities - In the past the custom was for the family to wear black for one year to show they were in mourning. It takes time to recover. Timetables should not be set. Each person has their own pace.
  
  
• Gradually Hope Comes Through – People begin to realise that they can make it.
  
  
• Readjust To Reality - When we go through the grieving process we change. We become different people; we are never the same again; we become stronger or weaker as a result. Most become stronger and more sensitive to other people’s grief, as we are able to understand how they feel, why they are the way they are because we have been there.

During this whole process of grief a person’s energy that is available for creative living will drop. Most of their energy will be applied to adjusting to the grief and survival. They should not be expected to be able to make major decisions that have reference to the future. At this time the loss has fixed them firmly in the past and they have very little ability to be able to think of the future.

The personally unique nature of grief
These feelings and processes of grief come to us at a time of loss. It is as though we are handed a bag full of grief; our feelings are all confused together.

Each person, because they are unique, will have their own measure of grief and their own way and time of working through that grief. Not all people will experience all feelings nor will these feelings follow in any particular order. It will be as though all these feelings are in a mixture of various strengths and proportions unique to each person.

Whether we like it or not, loss hands the bag of grief to us. If we choose not to open the bag of grief at that time or if circumstances stop us opening the bag, it will not disappear.

The bag must be opened and the contents emptied out and sorted through. The contents will not necessarily fall out in any particular order nor will they fall out one at a time or all together. They will come out in their own unique order or maybe they will all fall out in one confused mess. Sometimes we will feel as though the bag is empty and be relieved that at last we can put it away. But then, quite unexpectedly something else may fall out.

It is quite usual for people to feel as though they are ‘over it all’ and then to find themselves feeling as though they are back to where they started.

The journey from loss to ‘normality’ is not an even gradient. It is rather like the experience of mountain climbing. If we are to reach the peak we must be willing to suffer the difficulties of the climb and the struggles of walking through a variety of valleys.

Often what appears to be the peak is only a lesser peak which is then followed by another valley. These successive low points often cause people to despair but in fact they are the only way to reach the peak.

As people progress through these feelings they often find that they swing between feelings. Sometimes one feeling will produce or amplify another. For instance anger and guilt can be closely related. It is often possible to swing between these two feelings.

As a person swings in their feelings it is possible for a real sense of despair to overtake them. It seems as though there is no progress. It is during times like this that people ask, “Will it never end?”

Progress in grief must never be measured by how a person feels. Feelings change radically. Before grief came, a person still had their ‘ups and downs’. These swings may be amplified by grief but they need to be accepted as normal. It is when a person measures progress by how they feel that they fall into the, ‘I’m back to where I started from!’ despair. Grief should always be viewed in the same way that we view life.

Every experience and every new struggle should not be seen as a repeat of an earlier, similar experience. Rather we need to see each experience as a unique event to be worked through. It is another step in our growth as people. Grief is part of our growing human experience.

We should view grief experiences from the perspective of growth rather than from the perspective of feelings. Feelings change not only because we are grieving but also because of our mood swings. We do not feel terrible because we have gone back to where we started from. We feel terrible because we are now working through another stage of growth.

We are passing through another valley as we climb on towards our goal. If we are not willing to go through the valley we cannot gain the peak. Instead we will have to remain among the lesser peaks. Grief sets before us an opportunity for growth. Nothing can change the hurtful reality of grief but it is our choice as to what we do with it.

Depression
What it is and what to do about it

This brochure was originally published by Cruse, The National organisation for the Widowed and their children in Great Britain. It has been edited and published by Chippers’ LIFE Services with their kind permission.

Everyone has normal moods of depression which are generally of short duration and minimal in intensity. Depression may include sadness, dissatisfaction, indifference to people, irritability and sometimes anger and fear.

Temperament and childhood experience
We all inherit different temperaments – the extrovert is born with a predisposition to cheerfulness, is generally jolly and an optimist. The introvert is a pessimist and as Shakespeare put it, has a ‘lean and hungry look’. The extrovert has a quick and pleasurable response to a pleasant stimulus but to a painful stimulus has an immediate and unhappy response. These are short-lived and there is a quick return to normal cheerfulness.

Many of these moods are affected by childhood experiences. A child who receives affection, attention and guidance finds it easy to grow up with a cheerful outlook on life. Those who receive little or no affection, attention or guidance, feel rejected, insecure, inferior or unhappy.

Other factors affecting children’s moods are feelings of physical inadequacy, jealousy of a brother or sister, poverty and sexual guilt. For example, a happy girl who had much affection and attention as a young child may, at the time of adolescence, develop poor features and a poor figure, including a spotty face and growth of hair on her upper lip. Unlike her friends she receives no invitations from boys. She becomes depressed, moody, shrinks from people, is oversensitive. Shunning her former friends, she sits about the house all day long and becomes difficult and neglects her appearance. Suddenly she meets a young man who takes an interest in her. They become engaged and there is a transformation. She becomes happy, sings and jokes and begins again to mix with people. She takes care of her personal appearance again and loses her excess weight by dieting.

The earlier period was an example of normal depression. It is usual for persons to be happier when they are given attention, affection and recognition; when they achieve their ambition of attaining a higher level in the social, professional and business world; when they obtain a much needed sum of money; when their anxiety over a child’s problems or a dangerously ill member of the family is relieved.
After a good meal or any satisfying physical experience it is also usual to be contented. There are, of course, some gloomy people by temperament who do not respond to these things. They need an exceptionally exciting stimulus such as falling in love or, receiving an unexpected inheritance or promotion, for the previously normal depressed mood to be lifted.

Normal mood swings
Physical state can affect one’s mood. Hunger, fatigue, cold or too much heat or illness can alter one’s mood. Premenstrual tension is common and can create normal depression and is due to fluctuation in the hormones. Alcohol can make a person happy, weepy or create a fighting mood.

Pep pills can create a temporary cheerful mood and some sedatives can cause depressed moods. People may have swings of mood for no demonstrable reason. There is some change in the body’s rhythm. Adolescents are subject to frequent changes of mood. The same occurs at menopause. Both these periods accompany hormone readjustment. Some people are traditionally stolid and unemotional, some people are lively and excitable. We can be happy within normal limits and depressed within normal limits. The duration in these cases is often a matter of hours or a day or two at most. When these moods are in an ‘up’ phase we tend to be more active, concentrate better, decide quickly and initiate things. There is more physical energy, more sociability, enjoyment of friends and parties. Physical pain is less disturbing. Concerns and fears are minimal during a period of happiness and disturbing problems are met more philosophically. The opposite happens in a depressed mood.
Concentration is poor, thinking is slower, decisions are difficult, initiative diminished.
Fatigue is present and one is inclined to do little. We avoid being with people and we lose our zest and enthusiasm. We also have physical aches and pains. Fears, sleeplessness and loss of appetite can occur. These moods are not under our conscious control, but spiritually committed people can overcome them. They reach hidden springs most people miss.

Being advised to be cheerful cannot have any effect. Alcohol or pep pills can only temporarily bring back cheerfulness. With age, a mellowing of moods can occur and disturbing situations are met with less tension.


Bereavement and depression

Normal mood swings have been described above. When these moods are brought about by shock such as a bereavement, the reactions are more intense and last longer. The shock brings about bodily symptoms due to disturbances of a part of the nervous system which is beyond our control.

Trembling, disturbed breathing, sighing, dry mouth, cold skin, feeling of numbness, slowing down of all activity or over-activity and restlessness may follow each other. All feeling may be frozen - a kind of protection by nature from the emotional pain. Depression is often accompanied by apathy and the mixed feelings of wishing to be alone coupled with the wish for company. There may even be wild behaviour apparently quite out of keeping with the situation. A man or woman may try to escape in a sexual encounter or in taking to alcohol. Children have been known to be quite out of control for a short time after the death of a loved parent. The usual reaction to loss is grief and mourning and this is a process which has to be gone through before recovery can take place. Those who try to bury these feelings underground often find they come up in illness or, much later, at another experience of loss. This could be when children leave home, a loved parent or friend dies, a love affair breaks down, failure in achievement appears, a child marries. All such experiences light up a previous reaction to loss. Those who made a healthy readjustment will be stronger, those who failed to do so at the time, either because they were young and helpless or because they avoided the issue, will feel the same depression overcome them for a time.

What to do about it
Most people have a balancing mechanism within their nervous system which returns them to normal. The pendulum does not remain in one position. It will settle normally in time, and patience is required until it does. Some can be helped by sedatives which will give sleep and relaxation.

These should be given up as soon as possible as their prolonged use can affect the capacity to make decisions and can ultimately increase depression. Alcohol may also cause depression after a temporary mood lift. Within a few weeks the acute emotional upset passes but it is often followed by the mental pain of knowing the loved one will no longer be there to share things with. It is almost too much to realise that death is final. Memories come flooding in and have to be faced with the fact that these shared experiences can never be repeated. It is healthier to accept the mental pain of repeated reminders of a loved one until nature gives healing. It must be stressed that healing implies a wound and a scar. Of course, the experience and the loss will never be forgotten. They are part of the pattern of any man or woman’s life and have to be seen in perspective. All life is not sorrow and where it is greatest there has often been the greatest joy.

In facing sorrow we must balance the experience with recognition of the opposite. Grief bottled up can throw up illness, producing symptoms of all kinds. Tears are a normal reaction to loss and are generally healing if we accept them. Others can also learn to accept tears. We do not have to protect people from our tears. This is a time when talking things over with others who have been through the same experience can be most helpful. It can also help to lighten the depressed feeling of being alone.

The depression the bereaved feel follows the course described under mood swings but lasts longer. For most women who have lost a partner, practical circumstances will demand that they start soon to settle their affairs and to look towards the needs of the future. This is doubly true if there are dependants. On the whole it may be easier to give emotions rein in privacy although weeping in front of others is a natural thing to do. The children, too, need to know that the parent has feelings but is not utterly submerged by it. They have grief too and should not be shut away from the family’s experience. They will recover better if they can stay together. It is important to realise that the depression symptoms in an adult may be much the same in a child. As with the adult it is better if the child does not retreat into a hard or frozen silence. The alternative is not a wild round of distraction. Something big has happened in the family and the child must face it in his/her own way and with specialist help if necessary.

Depression requiring special help
In a minority of cases depression may go deeper and require medical or psychiatric help. Its feature is the onset of early morning waking accompanied by continuing morbid or gloomy thoughts. At this time depression is deepest and life seems to have no meaning or hope. Appetite goes, there is loss of weight and the capacity for emotional response seems to disappear. Similar experiences in the past deepen the hopelessness. Nowadays there are specific medicines which clear all these symptoms up but it is important that friends and relatives should see that the depressed person consults a specialist before the condition overcomes him/her. With expert help he/she will recover and life can take on new meaning again.

Practical measures
We have suggested steps to take if a depressed state is getting the upper hand. The family doctor will advise and, if he and the patient feel this is wise, a second opinion can be sought and the patient may see a specialist either privately or at hospital. It is often in the first place better to see the consultant privately, so that adequate time is given to the assessment of the situation and the patient’s feelings about it. Some sessions of ‘talking out’ problems with someone also experienced in this special understanding, may be the answer for others. If a child is depressed and withdrawn for any length of time the right people to help are at a Child Guidance Clinic. There, mother and child can discuss things with a doctor or social worker.

Where the depression is manageable but none the less trying, it is helpful to take time to track down the reason for the cloud. It may be the period of the menstrual cycle, it may be due to the hormone imbalance of the menopause, it may be directly due to a feeling that life is difficult and full of obstacles. Where such feeling persists, and usually with justification, a good plan is to sit quietly and write down a list of the pros and cons of the total situation. The next step is to determine that it is better to put energy into planning solutions than into constantly eyeing the problems.

This can give heart and courage and there will be more determination if the depressed mood is countered with active, written plans. It may be a phone call, an enquiry, a visit, a job to do. Action helps.

Depression often betokens a ‘dry’ spirit and it is a good idea to plan something to give a ‘lift’ - visit a theatre, an exhibition, a museum, lecture, a friend, a relative; something new, something good, something different. Put colour in the home or in your room. Paint one wall of brilliance. Take one flower and put it by your bedside, thus limiting or pinpointing your attention. Diffused or ‘scattered’ confused thinking can be part of depression. Read poetry and find the footprints of truth and beauty which lie at the back of all life. If your personal beliefs are not giving you anything, start looking afresh for your roots.

The important thing to remember is that the condition is in you and not in those around you. The changes and the recovery are for you and you alone.

Living After Losing

This brochure was originally published by Cruse, The National organisation for the Widowed and their children in Great Britain. It has been edited and published for Chippers’ LIFE Services with their kind permission.

Widowhood bears little relationship to marriage. Even when one has a home to maintain with children, still the life is different. It is not like a single person’s life except in certain practical details. One has the responsibilities of the family man/woman without being able to share in an adult companionship, all the ups and downs of daily living.

Starting again
Nowadays many married people, whether with or without children, have some sort of work outside the home. This may help when one’s spouse dies, but it can add confusion to the disturbed period following bereavement. We need patience from our boss as well as friends and family at this time. There are so many calls on us both to make decisions and to deal with matters with which our spouse usually helped.
If you have been working it may have been for that little extra. Now things have changed and your earned income may be vital to the family economy. Sometimes jobs must be changed, longer hours taken on to make ends meet.

Unfortunately there are those who are not accustomed to earning their own living in the outside world in however modest a way. They are out of touch with the working world. Rapid technological changes may have made pre marriage qualifications out of date. “I have never worked outside my home. I do not know what to do or where to start,” said one such widow.

Why one does things
Perhaps, most of all, to be on one’s own after marriage is to question why one does things. For some people the home, its treasures and its sparkle, centre round the spouse. If he/she is not there, home must be enjoyed for its own sake and as a creative expression of oneself. For some this is hard and they may constantly ask themselves “Why am I doing this – who cares?” Of course you know the children need the shelter of their home but there is so much they do not notice or care about. They need love more than things - especially now when one parent is gone. So to start on this new way means questioning one’s purposes, the use of one’s time and the very roots of one’s relationship to other people and to life.

Very quickly we learn that others will not live our life for us and that basically they expect one to stand up and face things alone as soon as possible. This new way needs courage. There will be self pity, there may be bitterness for what is lost, although neither will help. You know you have suffered a severe shock but you have also been given the opportunity to show what you are really made of.

Few people really know your present experience and they do not mean to be hurtful. So one can start by thinking the best. We have to accept boldly the fact that the way is often difficult and draw on our second wind.

On not letting go
It is easy to be tempted to let everything slide. Why bother when there’s no one to value all those little loving touches you put into your home. But you and your children are still living in it. They, your friends and relatives will soon feel your attitude of not caring. After all your home holds their memories too and many are happy ones. So here is where we need to take ourselves in hand and exercise some selfdiscipline.
It will pay handsome dividends. We can think too how proud our spouse would be to see that we had refused to go down under the strain and stresses of the new life alone.

Tackling things practically
Some people find scheduling jobs and things that need to be done with a planned programme can help keep structure in daily life.

Meals taken alone can soon become singularly dull so why not try to make even solo or family meals attractive. Watch your health, your diet, your skin, your hair and general fitness. If you are very tired rest between jobs - get your feet up and just relax and be quiet. Make notes of things to do and mark them off when done.
Don’t take worries around. Do something about them and let tomorrow be a new day.

If decisions must be made, work out the pros and cons with a friend or relative and then decide yourself what you should do. If the children are old enough, share what you can with them and let them help you and feel part of things, but never overload them. From now on you are together in quite a new way. You have become a team.
Neighbours and getting out and about
Keeping friendly with your neighbours is most important and do take help when it is offered, and give it whenever you possibly can. Don’t drop your friends unless they drop you, and start making new ones in new activities.

If you live alone plan your weekends. Consider very carefully the whole matter of having a pet so that you are not utterly tied to its care. You will need freedom at times. Discover what you like doing. Try things. Surprise yourself. ‘Have a go,’ as they say. This way you’ll open windows which may have been fast shut in your marriage, however good its rewards. If you have children, find family activities and go together with picnic things. Plan the day with the children and let them choose part of the programme. Make things happen and you will become part of an adventure.

Planning your social life
Try not to get into a panic about money. There are always ways and means and if you acknowledge yourself to be a poor manager get someone who is good at it to talk over budget matters with you.

Whenever possible draw the children into the discussion so that they make a positive contribution with good sense instead of carrying everything alone. Don’t give up before establishing the cost of things and activities. Study the list of things going on locally at your library and call at the Citizens Advice Bureau for any leaflets they have about organisations in your area. If you can’t swim, don’t hesitate to learn and take the children or even grandchildren along with you; learn to read maps; take up archaeology and go on a dig; learn yourself and teach the children to really look and see. It costs nothing and can greatly enrich the most ordinary life. Fishing, football, cricket, chess, are only a few of the activities you can enjoy with your family or with friends. Remember, too, that joining the library with its reference and children’s section is free. Go to the theatre, concerts and other shows. Feed guests simply rather than shut your home to them. You’ll be happy in company.

Enlarging your experiences
Being alone has given many people the opportunity to develop quite new interests and skills. You may be surprised at what has been dormant in you during marriage. If it interests you, now is the time to extend and deepen your interest in music, ballet, the theatre, poetry, literature or any of the specialist arts. Read up on them and mark the special programmes on radio and television. You will be surprised at what there is for you. It’s an excellent way to self education and, who knows, you may gather confidence to study seriously.

Join a choir, try acting or different types of dance. In your new situation choose group activities rather than solo arts. If you want to develop your political or current affairs knowledge, join a discussion group or political party. This is also an excellent way to syphon off some of those aggressive feelings many widows and widowers develop. It will be more rewarding than a chat over the fence. If religion interests you there are many different ways to follow and many friends to make.

Working outside your home
Before long, if you are not already working, you may need or want a job. You may even need to change your present job. Tackle this when your confused state begins to lift.

Courage is for all of us
At this point you may be shrinking back. “I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t go alone, we always went together ....” Most people say this at some time or other but it won’t do for you. Yours is going to be the way of courage. Like the diver, you may shiver at the end of the board but when you take the plunge you will enjoy both the water and the skill in it. What matters is that you move out actively before you form habits of retreat and withdrawal - just think how proud your spouse would have been of you!